we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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