the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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