So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
