i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
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