i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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