I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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