his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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