Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
