Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
