hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you never un-have a 4some
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
