I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
