Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he thought i was a dude.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
