So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
