I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
