I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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