Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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