Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You took a bar mat shot.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
