My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
