Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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