it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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