I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
