So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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