filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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