I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
