dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
