I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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