Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How does one acquire holy water?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
