new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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