I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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