remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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