Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is Oprah even human
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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