Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize