brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
