Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't deserve a penis
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
