What did we do last night that was yellow?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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