Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
