She's like a pop up book from hell.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
