I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just gargled with NyQuil
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
