Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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