The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
