Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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