Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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