So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
