If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
