I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
