So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
3pm strippers are depressing
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize