My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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