I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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