I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize