i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
