We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
