we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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