So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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