life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
