Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize