my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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