So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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