Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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