I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
