Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
