i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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