ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
