If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize