You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
