girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So here I am, sexting at work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
