Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
