I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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