Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
