I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How naked do you want me to be?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize