When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
