If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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