I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
