Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
