Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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