Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize