end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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